Why Your Team Sucks 2012

[Bert Macklin]

New Orleans Edition

1. "Is you taking notes on a criminal ******* conspiracy?" Even though this is the Internet and even though column space on the Internet can scroll on forever, there STILL isn't enough room here to express how badly the Saints buttfucked their way through this entire offseason. It's one thing to have a super-top-secret bounty program in place for years and years and years (despite the fact that players come and go to other teams regularly and can blab about it at any time). It's another thing to put that program IN WRITING, to have your begunted nutjob of a defensive coordinator codify your bounty program into a series of slides that make the average Tripod site look current. How ******* stupid do you have to be to let this go on? Don't you know that the Ginger Hammer is just waiting to wipe his freckled scrotum all over anyone who dares cause the world to notice that football is a violent sport? IDIOTS.

And the best part about all this is that the Saints doubled down on the stupid and handed the interim head coaching job to a guy who is himself serving a six-game suspension. Then they got into a contract squabble with Drew Brees, who is only the most important player the franchise has ever had and probably will ever have. It's as if, in January, the Saints looked at themselves and were like, "Jesus, we've gotten wayyy too functional and successful. THAT'S NOT WHAT THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS ARE ALL ABOUT GUMBO ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE!" And then they spent next few weeks cramming in as many bad decisions as they could so that they could reclaim their identity as the most incompetent team in football. Unfuckingbelievable. This will be the most senseless 9-7 season in NFL history. Also, Drew Brees is going bald.

http://m.deadspin.com/5933331/why-yo...orleans-saints

Just a few more

Panthers

Falcons

Bucs

Titans

Texans

Jags

49'ers

Colts

Cardinals

Seahawks

Chiefs

Rams

Broncos

Raidahs

Bolts

[jrdrylie]

I love the Jaguars one. As a Jacksonville native, some of the unsults hurt. But it is hilarious nonetheless:

On Mike Mularkey "There's no hope to be wrung from such a rote, passionless hire. You may as well hire no one. You may as well gain 500 lbs. and delete your eHarmony profile because you clearly don't give a **** anymore."

On the receivers "Holy ****, Lee Evans is awful. I wouldn't trust Lee Evans to hold a sleeping baby. Lee Evans is the Mike Mularkey of journeyman wideouts."

[Brent]

1. Deep down, you know that NFC Title Game Alex Smith is the REAL Alex Smith.

I ******* know it, too.

[Bob Sanders Dreadlock]

Polian, Bill

[TheMatriculator]

Deadspin??? Enough said.

Look every village needs an idiot so, thank you, Deadspin, for filling a need.

[killxswitch]

The Colts one was actually pretty funny. The term "fat hump" is awfully rude though.

[Splat]

[Ness]

Originally Posted by Brent

1. Deep down, you know that NFC Title Game Alex Smith is the REAL Alex Smith.

I ******* know it, too.

WHAT? Y U NO BELIEVE?

[Razor]

The Colts one cracked me up

I didn't like watching them go 13-3 year in and year out thanks to their cozy position in the MAC conference of the NFL that is the AFC South. I didn't like hearing Manning breathlessly fellated by announcers, who offered any number of excuses any time their hero barfed up a lung in a divisional playoff game. I didn't like Bill Polian leaking information to Peter King so that King would then, in turn, tell you how awesome Bill Polian is. Now, it's almost as if the Colts themselves no longer exist, which is precisely the way I like it.

[killxswitch]

Originally Posted by Razor

The Colts one cracked me up

It's annoying that there's no article for the Patriots.

[Razor]

Originally Posted by killxswitch

It's annoying that there's no article for the Patriots.

I know. I was really looking forward to reading it when I saw the OP.

[Brent]

Originally Posted by Ness

WHAT? Y U NO BELIEVE?

Last time I had hope going into a season, actual hope, was 2002. One does not simply reverse such conditioning over the course of a singe off-season.

[Rosebud]

[RufusMcDaniel]

3. Kenny Britt likes destroying your fantasy team. I assume that Kenny Britt will miss at least six games this season due to various injuries and vehicular assaults. But in those 10 games he will play, it's a virtual certainty that one of them will be a 240-yard, 3-touchdown masterpiece that just happens to come against YOU. That's the kind of player Kenny Britt is. You spend your Sunday watching your fantasy team do well, you see your starting running back run for over 100 yards, you see your starting QB throw for two touchdowns, and you think, "Boy, I have a reasonable chance of winning this week!" Then you go to check the scoreboard and it turns out that the other guy has The Kenny Britt Show, and that Britt outscored your team by 40 points on his own. Then, the second you trade for him, he gets DUI'ed. ******* Kenny Britt.

Haha, I remember being that jerk with Kenny Britt when he went off on the Eagles 2 years ago.