Iím back, men. Iím finally back. It seems like forever ago that I was coaching you guys, but I think Iíve used my time away from the game constructively. My long journey of discovery gave me perspective and a brand new lease on life. Also, I met Jozzylyyyn here. She really is quite a treat. Itís like a Super Bowl onside kick every night.
Thatís great, coach, but we still got screwed over the NFL. They took a full season of ours and weíll never get it back.
Thatís true. We got dicked over hardcore and we can never forget that. But being screwed by The Man doesnít take away from the fact that you all didnít DO YOUR JOB while I was gone. Donít think I didnít watch those games. You were awful.
But we couldnít affect the head! How were we supposed to play defense without kill shots? Itís not possible!
It is possible.
Youíre gonna see. Just before I made it back to New Orleans, I met this guy on the road. Gave me a lift on the road. We got to talking and I think heís got some good ideas about how to fix our defense.
[Loading dock door flies open]
OW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Lemme tell ya, I ******* love New Orleans. The whole town smells like beef bouillon and *****. Fair rates on child creole prostitutes. Pretty good music, too. You boys like Captain Beefheart? Well, you will soon.
Wait a minute: this is the guy you got? Heís one of the Ryan brothers. Man, they practically invented bounties.
Invented? No way, compadre. Believe me, I tried getting the trademark. Then I found out it takes more work than kicking the **** out of whoever has the trademark to get it. Whole patent system is broke, if you ask me.
This is ridiculous. Goodell is gonna be all over us.
Let that narrow-assed rich boy grill us all he wants. It is true that my daddy was all about the bounties. One time, he paid me and Rex $35 apiece to kneecap a radio guy who questioned his schemes. We would have done it for free, but dad loved his boys. Wanted to make sure we had cash on hand for whores. But he was also smart about it. No way Buddy would have been caught asking players to injure quarterbacks on tape. That documentarian wouldnít have been allowed to leave the building in one piece.
So, what, weíre just supposed to be super secretive about it?
Oh no, itís a different era than it was back then. Headhunting alone wonít get it done. You have to wage biological warfare. Thatís why I already got on the horn and got a shipment of scorpion dick extract mailed here from Ray Lewisí guy. That stuff works wonders. ***** up a QBís nervous system like nothing else. Thanks to Seanís lady, weíre gonna get that in Matt Ryanís system before the end of the week.
I mean, I donít know about this.
Uh oh, we gotta dissenter in the ranks. This sounds a job for the woodchipper.
Woohoo! The Saints are back!