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Old 08-28-2013, 03:18 PM    (permalink
SuperPacker
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Originally Posted by bsaza2358 View Post
Everyone has their own BS, and you need to learn to decide if you can deal with it, manage it, ignore it, or walk away from it. All of this comes from life experience and being with the wrong person, making mistakes, getting hurt, and learning from those situations.
My god....This is exactly what i'm doing. I found out from my previous experiences in life that I can't deal with controlling, manipulating, unreasonable people. I realised that I need to walk away from that sort of stuff. Obviously I learnt all of this from being around people that are that way. So I found out this and decided to do something about it. Me "being with the wrong person" and "getting hurt (annoyed)" is what I learned from. I just think you're blinded by the fact that i'm 18 and you just expect everything i'm saying to be naive ******** that I just thought out of thin air. But wait, I haven't met enough people to make my mind up! As if there is some sort of magic age where everything becomes clear, and that age just happens to be how old you are!

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It is easy to sit behind a computer and say "that's crap" or "I would never". The reason folks are getting frustrated with you is that you are showing your naivete with your responses and not providing guidance based on your own experience. You haven't been through what I have, so it's hard for me to respect your very blunt and very decisive conclusions based on limited information.
I'm not just saying it for no reason...I AM using guidance based on my own experiences, you're just choosing not to listen. Not based on limited information; based on the information of me living life and meeting different people.

I get it, people just become unbelievably pretentious when talking to anyone significantly younger than them. I try to avoid doing the same, because, for example, I know how annoyed a 15 year old me would be if 18 year old me was trying to talk down to him.
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Old 08-28-2013, 03:26 PM    (permalink
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It is a continuous process. 18 year old me had completely different expectations and understanding of interpersonal relations. 18 year old me was an idiot, so perhaps I am projecting on you. It would help you to come across as a resource if you would discuss your past and your experiences and use that education and learning as the basis for your recommendations.
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Old 08-28-2013, 03:33 PM    (permalink
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It is a continuous process. 18 year old me had completely different expectations and understanding of interpersonal relations. 18 year old me was an idiot, so perhaps I am projecting on you. It would help you to come across as a resource if you would discuss your past and your experiences and use that education and learning as the basis for your recommendations.
Past experience: One of my best friends was a complete control freak. Really manipulating. He'd be a little ***** and get upset when you said anything to him, but he'd have no problem saying something negative towards you. I didn't really do anything about it, but a couple of years ago I kind of just cut him out of my life. I'm still friends with him, but i've learnt not be around him too much.

And I understand why you would think that. It's more of a conscious effort i've made to not do it. But it literally was just me stating my opinion, I wasn't trying to say what you were doing was wrong, or anything like that. Which was why I didn't feel to need to go too much into it. It's just my issue, I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way.
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:05 AM    (permalink
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I'm "seeing" a girl who is self admittedly really bad with confrontation.

If something goes south and I attempt to discuss it, or if I bring up a problem with her, she immediately shuts down and tries to end the conversation.

She says that she can't handle on the spot discussion and that she needs extra time to think things through clearly.

This is really frustrating for me, because I am not the type to bury things. When an issue arises, it's my belief that it needs to be addressed as soon as possible so that it can't resurface. I have a really hard time getting into a fight and then dropping it out of thin air and moving on without addressing it.

What should I do?
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Old 08-29-2013, 11:33 AM    (permalink
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I'm "seeing" a girl who is self admittedly really bad with confrontation.

If something goes south and I attempt to discuss it, or if I bring up a problem with her, she immediately shuts down and tries to end the conversation.

She says that she can't handle on the spot discussion and that she needs extra time to think things through clearly.

This is really frustrating for me, because I am not the type to bury things. When an issue arises, it's my belief that it needs to be addressed as soon as possible so that it can't resurface. I have a really hard time getting into a fight and then dropping it out of thin air and moving on without addressing it.

What should I do?
Her issues with confrontation come from her past in some way, and she has been conditioned to shut down under pressure. She is a passive, people person. You are probably more aggressive than she is, which shows here.

You have to realize that confronting you or expressing her anxieties creates a loop that brings on even more stress. The best thing you can do is make it very clear that you want to listen and that you care, then give her the space to come to the conclusion and find her words on her own. In the end, you cannot control her. You can only control your reaction. It is possible that your more direct tactics are creating additional stress for her.

So, when things bother you, continue to be proactive and address the issue right there. Those issues are yours, and you can express your concerns in a healthy way. If she is more introverted and needs time to process, give her the space.

End of the day, you also need to decide if how she is and how she responds is acceptable to you. Theoretically, you are looking for a partnership with this woman. That means you have to determine whether these actions are tolerable or not.
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Old 08-29-2013, 11:33 AM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by Jimmy View Post
I'm "seeing" a girl who is self admittedly really bad with confrontation.

If something goes south and I attempt to discuss it, or if I bring up a problem with her, she immediately shuts down and tries to end the conversation.

She says that she can't handle on the spot discussion and that she needs extra time to think things through clearly.

This is really frustrating for me, because I am not the type to bury things. When an issue arises, it's my belief that it needs to be addressed as soon as possible so that it can't resurface. I have a really hard time getting into a fight and then dropping it out of thin air and moving on without addressing it.

What should I do?
This is me and my wife. You (like me) are a pursuer. You want to resolve anything quickly and move forward. She (like my wife) is a withdrawer, though maybe to a bigger extreme. It sucks but you can work through this stuff. This is not just my take on it, this is from a pro.

You will have to meet each other somewhere in the middle. Your strong desire to immediately resolve an issue does not mean she has to force herself to discuss the issue right when you are ready to. Conversely, her strong desire to avoid the situation does not mean it's ok to just act like nothing happened. You have to value yourself and the other person and remember you are on the same team.

It's best to discuss the strategy of this when you are not in an argument, obviously. She has admitted that she doesn't do confrontation well, so that's good she's self-aware enough that you won't have to convince her. Your part to work on is being ok with waiting until she is ready to talk and not harassing her for a resolution. Her part to work on is to actively assess her own thoughts/feelings and prepare herself for the confrontation so that it actually happens and you guys actually resolve whatever the issue is. It will get easier with practice.

All that said, you aren't married. You have to ask yourself, if things on this front don't improve (or improve very much), is this something you want to deal with multiple times a year for the rest of your life? I love my wife but my marriage would be a lot easier if we both wanted to pursue conflict resolution the same way. We've worked on it because we are already married and so it was worth it to us to put in the effort. You are just "seeing" her. Is this something you want to put thought and effort into at this stage of a relationship?
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Old 08-29-2013, 11:40 AM    (permalink
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Great minds think alike. Kill is in the situation today with his wife. My wife is direct enough that she comes right out with it. When we have a real issue, we talk about it before there is a fight. We have had only 6 fights total in our time together (almost 4 years). That's not to say we don't disagree. We are just super proactive about it.
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Old 08-29-2013, 01:58 PM    (permalink
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Past experience: One of my best friends was a complete control freak. Really manipulating. He'd be a little ***** and get upset when you said anything to him, but he'd have no problem saying something negative towards you. I didn't really do anything about it, but a couple of years ago I kind of just cut him out of my life. I'm still friends with him, but i've learnt not be around him too much.

And I understand why you would think that. It's more of a conscious effort i've made to not do it. But it literally was just me stating my opinion, I wasn't trying to say what you were doing was wrong, or anything like that. Which was why I didn't feel to need to go too much into it. It's just my issue, I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way.
Didn't want you to think I didn't appreciate your experience here. It is certainly relevant to your life, and clearly it affected you. Just be careful with projecting your feelings from this particular experience onto how others are acting. I struggle with projection myself. It's good to admit things to yourself sometimes. It makes life a lot easier.
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Old 09-12-2013, 10:17 PM    (permalink
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Heeeeeeey guys! So its me with yet another sad pathetic heart broken story. So it went like this...

Meet a girl about 4 months ago. We started talked and things were great. We then go into a relationship about 2 months later and we both were pretty happy and I loved being around her. Over these last two months we started to move fast. Slept at her house after a couple weeks, had sex about a week later after that then the Love word came out of our mouths. She wrote me a letter about how blessed she was and how she treated our relationship like it was marriage. Scary right? Yeah I know but I moved fast too and was a sucker for that. I was the greatest thing to ever happen to her and a true gift from God she said. Well this last month she started to fall out of love and felt overwhelmed with everything. She then dumped me this last Sunday.

Then she said we could get back later on with I work on some stuff ad her aswell. But she said she wouldnt be opposed to going on a date with a guy right now, but she isnt looking to be "dating" at the moment. She wants what I cant give her. She said a man who has a full time job, is in their careers, their own house and own payments. She told me that is the reason why she is attracted to older guys. She is my age which is 24. She completely changed on me after telling me she will never leave and cant wait to marry me.

So what have I been doing the past 4/5 nights?... Ive been drinking. Feeling numb so I wouldnt feel the hurt Ive been feeling. Do I love her? Yeah. Did we move fast? Well of course but we didnt care. Sooo...I have started talking to a counselor starting today. I depend on others for happiness, Im drinking and I feel like a piece of ****. I shouldnt after dating only two months but it is what it is.
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Old 09-13-2013, 01:32 AM    (permalink
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There is a girl in one of my classes I see MWF. That is the only contact I have with her. I have introduced myself and we have hung out once getting ready for auditions to a play. We auditioned together and things went great. She came over the first day I met her and my friends and I made dinner and later read the play we were auditioning for.

I have a really bad crush on this one. I texted her and she wasn't quick to respond to me. After about 3 replies the conversation died. She has a friend group outside of the University I attend and I'm trying to invite her to hang out with my friends. She says she really wants to but is always busy. (She works a lot) Do I bail? After she says she is busy three times I'm a little worried I'm going to make as ass of myself.

Really need help with girls in general. I'm not a bad looking guy, but I hardly find girls that I am really attracted to. I haven't really done anything with a girl and I'm afraid that puts me at a disadvantage. I would love some advice about whether it is smart to keep to group invites or just go balls out asking for a date.

If I asked her on a date and I crashed then it would make things awkward because it is a small theatre dept.

She just works a lot and I don't see her often. I have a huge crush on her though. She is hilarious and gorgeous. Thanks for any help guys.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:20 PM    (permalink
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well, my girlfriend has gone off the deep end. The other night she asked me to send her a CD via email that i had bought at target a few weeks prior, I said to get on skype so I could do a file transfer since anyone that has worked with email before knows that an Audio CD is too big to be sent via email. She said no she didn't feel like getting her computer and she wanted me to "try" to email it to her...

So I did it and mac mail let me put all of the songs on one email and mac mail said it sent. we exchanged lovey text messages and I said I was going to sleep and to call if she needed anything (i don't answer text messages at night but leave my phone on ring and if anyone I know calls me I pick up).

She texts me about 40 minutes later and said the email hasn't gotten to her yet, and i get this text at 4 in the morning. I don't really pay much attention to it cause I was half asleep and didn't want to deal with it. I wake up the next morning, get ready for work, and call her while i'm on the road, She says she didn't get it and asked me to send it again, I said I couldn't because I was on the road and didn't have my laptop. I told her to try to access it from my google music account but she said she had to have it on her phone for whatever reason.

I said I'll try a few things (this was in a text message), but I couldn't make any promises...her exact words? "well maybe you should have emailed it to me like i asked you to"

WTF.

I tried several things and then I talked to her again on the phone and she was very short with me and I asked her if she had any other ideas, nicely obviously. I tried something else and I never heard back from her. In fact, she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I tried to create small talk by talking about one of my classes but she didn't say a word to me the rest of the day. She shut me out.

The next morning I wake up at 4AM and asked her if she was awake, I get a text back about an hour and a half later with a one word answer "yep", I woke up a bit later and said to have a good day and she said "yep".

I was talking to one of my friends about it the night before and figured that she just needed her space, so i gave it to her, while her one word answers were a start, it got worse. I was told by someone to apologize and be the bigger person. So i apologized and let her know that I was sorry if i disrespected her or was short with her, and I told her that I loved her. Her answer was "Cool." Not, I love you too vikes_28, just cool. it's a long distance thing, i see her every weekend. I was planning on going to see her this weekend and I asked her if she wanted me to go up there, and she said to do whatever I want. I said back, "Okay, I"ll see you on Friday."

That was the last of it. Aside from a few snapchats that she has sent to me (and probably all of her other friends), I haven't talked to her in 3 days. I treat her well 99.9% of the time. the extra .01% of the time that I don't treat her well, it is probably due to a bad day and I just snapped, but we all have those.

I have absolutely no idea where this behavior came from out of her. It is definitely not normal and it hurts me that she shut me out like this and can't acknowledge that I do indeed care about her and love her. In fact, I was with her last weekend and things couldn't have been better, we were happy, we had sex a couple of times, and it was great. The ONLY thing that I can see triggering this behavior is the fact that she started the pill for the first time about a week and a half ago...but I don't want to be quick to blame it on that.

I don't feel like I deserve to be treated this way since I treat her with respect and do nice things for her all of the time. I don't know what to do. I love her to death but I don't want to stay with her if she continues to treat me this way. I'm a firm believer that abuse in a relationship can go both ways. any advice would be appreciated.

I should also note that we have been together for 8 months and have had things great for those 8 months.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:29 PM    (permalink
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she's bored she wants out she's using this little thing to blow it up and express her true feelings you're ****** time to start looking again.
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:38 PM    (permalink
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she's bored she wants out she's using this little thing to blow it up and express her true feelings you're ****** time to start looking again.
I don't even believe that for a second. We were as happy as can be and exchanging lovey texts not even a week ago. She always tells me that she "wants to marry you." and sits on pinterest and picks out wedding stuff for our wedding that hasn't even happened yet. I tell her to stop because it's not going to happen until at least she's out of college.
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:43 PM    (permalink
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she's bored she wants out she's using this little thing to blow it up and express her true feelings you're ****** time to start looking again.
he's right. listen to the therapist.
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:53 PM    (permalink
princefielder28
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I don't even believe that for a second. We were as happy as can be and exchanging lovey texts not even a week ago. She always tells me that she "wants to marry you." and sits on pinterest and picks out wedding stuff for our wedding that hasn't even happened yet. I tell her to stop because it's not going to happen until at least she's out of college.
She's a girl and life is more interesting when there's more drama. You mentioned how she's in college. I assume it is a maturity thing, and it's behavior to keep an eye on. You obviously enjoy your time with this girl and I would not recommend throwing away the relationship because of this incident.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:49 PM    (permalink
BigBlueNorwegian
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I have to ask you guys. Because this is a big deal for me. It affects my whole life. I live with two guys and a girl (she is my sister) and this spring i started dating a girl. we initially hit it off, and everything was good, but she had doubts about whether it was serious or not. I wanted to get serious, but she was hesitant. And i could accept that. But what I cant accept, is my roommate and best friend making a move on the girl I have just been together with right after me. Am I wrong? or is this a proper reaction? Just so you guys know, I am certain that he is putting his moves on. I know him and his moves well enough. So he is basically saying "**** you" to me and ignoring my warnings. He tells me he's just being friends with her but I'm not that dumb. Sorry for the bad language, but I'm drunk and need your advice before I start a war with one of my best friends.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:00 PM    (permalink
Raiderz4Life
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That's not cool without pre approval
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:42 PM    (permalink
Jensen
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**** him. there's a grace period you have after you breakup with a girl, depending on how long you dated her for, where your friends cannot **** her. if you guys are really best friends he shouldn't be approaching her like that. the worst is when your ex tries to **** all of your friends. in an unrelated note, i just lost a friend because he tried to sleep with my 15 year old stepsister who i'm really close with. that's the only time i've ever suckerpunched somebody.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:50 PM    (permalink
CC.SD
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definitely confront him, suckerpunch is on the table to start the conversation.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:58 PM    (permalink
Raiderz4Life
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**** him. there's a grace period you have after you breakup with a girl, depending on how long you dated her for, where your friends cannot **** her. if you guys are really best friends he shouldn't be approaching her like that. the worst is when your ex tries to **** all of your friends. in an unrelated note, i just lost a friend because he tried to sleep with my 15 year old stepsister who i'm really close with. that's the only time i've ever suckerpunched somebody.
Is it safe to assume he's not 15?
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:56 PM    (permalink
Jensen
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Is it safe to assume he's not 15?
yeah not even close he's 19.
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Old 09-21-2013, 01:06 PM    (permalink
pierce2walker
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yeah not even close he's 19.
So a sophomore in college is trying to sleep with a sophomore in high school. Wow.
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Old 09-21-2013, 01:13 PM    (permalink
WCH
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yeah not even close he's 19.
So he's old enough to go to prison and have to join a gang (is he white? If so, a skinhead gang) to avoid being raped by guys who won't even give him a reach-around.

It's a pretty easy decision to not have sex with minors.

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Old 09-21-2013, 06:21 PM    (permalink
Raiderz4Life
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yeah not even close he's 19.
Yeh. ..that's a huge no no
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Old 09-22-2013, 09:43 AM    (permalink
vikes_28
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Well everything turned out okay. It was a big misunderstanding between the two of us and also poor communication. We talked about it for an hour when I went to see her on Friday night.

She apparently thought I was completely ignoring her when I thought I was giving her space. We promised to each other that we will never let our communication get this bad ever again, and we will also always tell each other if we have a problem. All is well now. We had some awesome make up sex.
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