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Old 08-14-2007, 10:51 AM    (permalink
jballa838
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Originally Posted by ripdw27 View Post
i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco
Quote:
Dave Chappelle: Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!
[whacks the microphone on the stand]
David Chappelle: Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ****** broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.'
Quote:
David Chappelle: I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild ****, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shi'. He's like, "Where you from, dog? DC? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up *****? What? What the ****, slow down, what? What the ****? No! No! No! **** it, I'm on my way!"
[Boop]
David Chappelle: "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick." At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the **** you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say ****. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A ******* crackhead ran this way, tktktktktktk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and ****, tktktk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me. At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a ******* limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a ******* baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either, click! clllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that ****. But where is this limousine driver?" As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the **** are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, *****!"
Quote:
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like **** the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "*****! I LIVE IN A ******* TRASHCAN!"
Quote:
David Chappelle: Hello, emergency. Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aaahh. Look. There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here ******." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry.
hahaha thats some funny stuff
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Originally Posted by slightlyabroncosfan View Post
JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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Old 08-14-2007, 10:54 AM    (permalink
jballa838
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jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.jballa838 is kind of a big deal around here, people know him.
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"Also, have you noticed whenever someone dies, there is always crack sprinkled on them? Nobody gets shot and sprinkles crack on themselves."
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Originally Posted by slightlyabroncosfan View Post
JBalla is mormon, so naturally he assumes that whenever you get one marriage done, another two or five are in the works.

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Old 08-14-2007, 11:05 AM    (permalink
Turtlepower
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It's not nearly as funny posting the quotes as actually watching or listening to them. Listen to Mitch Hedberg's Do Not Disturb. That is comedic genius.
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I don't have to watch it to know it was not interesting.
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Old 08-14-2007, 12:35 PM    (permalink
drowe
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my favorite mitch quote;


"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl that would be really mad if she heard me say that."
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Old 08-14-2007, 12:54 PM    (permalink
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Ron White: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are. I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours. So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had no idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh? So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying. "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.
adfafsdfasdf
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:08 PM    (permalink
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daniel tosh

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I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.
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"You all know you played this game! Ah the floor is lava! It meant you were poor as dirt. 'Hey Mom, can I have a nintendo?!' 'THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!' 'What the **** is wrong with this house?! Why can't we have carpet?!'
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Old 08-14-2007, 09:56 PM    (permalink
ripdw27
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heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

haha good quote not on here yet
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Old 08-14-2007, 09:57 PM    (permalink
ripdw27
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im kinda shocked on one has said "git r done" lol
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:00 PM    (permalink
slightlyaraiderfan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ripdw27 View Post
heres a good chappelle quote (im just kinda wingin it)

One time i took my kids to disney world. Every one came up to me like im rick james ***** hey im rick jaaames. i was pissed off. even mickey mouse did it. im rick james ***** hahaha so i hit him with the uppercut POW n off came his head. Everyone started freakin out "oh my god mickey mouse is mexican"

haha good quote not on here yet
I'm guessing nobody posted it, because it's not that funny.
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:02 PM    (permalink
ripdw27
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ah its funnyer when chappelle does it
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:19 PM    (permalink
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Dave Chapelle: "HEY BABY! BABY! What are you doing out on that corner right now? HEY BABY.. BABY!"

The Baby: "***** I'm sellin weed!"
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:41 PM    (permalink
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Lavelle Crawford


Quote:
"This world goin crazy I been runnin into stupid people everywhere I go, just dumb folk! They need to lock dumb people up, I swear to God. I live in Los Angeles ain't nothin but ******** people there. This lady gonna come up to me with a coffee can talkin bout, chingle chingle chingle, chingle chingle chingle, Tsunami relief! Tsunami relief! I looked at her said, What the hell is a tsunami?! She looked at me, went (gasp!) You don't know what a tsunami is?! I went, (Gasp!) No I don't know what a tsunami is! She said, you're gonna stand there and tell me you don't know what a tsunami is?! I said heifa,I'll stand anywhere you want me to, I'm gonna tell you right now I don't know what the hell a tsunami is! She really got pissed off, You don't! I said, ***** I told you I don't know what the hell a Goddamn tsunami is! Last time I seen a tsunami was between two pieces of white bread, and I ate that **** with some corn chips! She got real mad talkin bout, You bastard! That's not a tsunami that's a salami! I said, well, tsunami, salami, balogna, get your stupid ass out my face!"
Quote:
"I come out the bathroom and people looking at me like I did something wrong. Some ***** wanna be smart and said "Someone fart and get some fresh air in here".
(something like that)

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I touch myself so much, my thang got a restraining order on me.
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Old 08-15-2007, 12:19 AM    (permalink
Brent
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from The Sarah Silverman Program:
Quote:
Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up. About ten years ago, I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby. And for about 8 and a half months, I listened to them until, finally, I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say, “get this thing out of me!” And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me and when it came out it was crying and covered in this, like, gooky stuff. I didn’t have the money to pay, so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that’s what was funny back then. Heather, you have a choice, you can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you the rest of your life or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams… so what’s it going to be?
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Old 08-15-2007, 01:00 AM    (permalink
neko4
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Originally Posted by Ron White
They call me tater...
Ron white's the best of the blue collar guys IMO
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