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Old 08-13-2007, 05:50 PM    (permalink
TimD
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Default Favorite Comedian Quotes

I know we have a favorite stand-up comedian thread... now here's one for quotes...
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Old 08-13-2007, 05:56 PM    (permalink
TimD
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Mitch Hedberg

here's a few:

Quote:
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
Quote:
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
Quote:
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:03 PM    (permalink
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Haha the third one is classic. RIP Mitch. "I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it"

And then he had another one where he had to write a screenplay for a TV show or something, and the guy told him to rewrite it. And he was like: "**** that, I'll just make a copy." haha
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:03 PM    (permalink
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Dude I love Mitch Hedburg. Too bad he died.

I'm gonna open a McDonald's and not participate in ****. Hamburgers, nope. We got spaghetti and blankets.

I think thats how it went.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:05 PM    (permalink
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we should just make a mitch hedburg appreciation thread and put a ton of his quotes in because i like reading them...
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:46 PM    (permalink
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Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:50 PM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by McBain View Post
Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.
lol, good for you
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:59 PM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by McBain View Post
Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.
I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:04 PM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by badgerbacker View Post
I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, that thing was ****** relentless.
-Mitch
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:05 PM    (permalink
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off the top of my head

"tennis is a depressing sport... no matter how good i get ill never be as good as a wall..."

EDIT: oops someone beat me to it
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:06 PM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mangini for pres View Post
EDIT: oops someone beat me to it
Damn Straight
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:23 PM    (permalink
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we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:50 PM    (permalink
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i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:52 PM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiscbadgerfootball View Post
we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit
Really? I heard that skit and didn't really think much of it. I mean, it was amusing and I liked some of his other stuff but I guess I just don't "get" some of his humor. Back to the subject one of my favorite quotes is Demetri Martin's...

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, Id probably just start calling out letters. "
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:53 PM    (permalink
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i liked that show on Comedy Central called: Shortys Watching Shortys

some of the Dane Cook ones were funny
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Old 08-13-2007, 11:03 PM    (permalink
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lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.
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Old 08-14-2007, 12:28 AM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wiscbadgerfootball View Post
we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit
When he talks about holidays...that's the second best.
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Old 08-14-2007, 12:45 AM    (permalink
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Ewing is a cocksman.Ewing is a cocksman.Ewing is a cocksman.Ewing is a cocksman.
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"I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust." - Bill Hicks
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:02 AM    (permalink
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Lavelle Crawford..

Taliban:"Read this to your country fat black man!"
LC:"I can't read.. I'm hooked on phonics you sunuvabish!"
Taliban:"We're gonna cut your head off!"
LC:"Man I don't have no neck!.. Only thing you could with that blade is give me a nice little tight fade".

LC: "We got mad at Clinton for getting a blowjob.. SO! That's what you're supposed to do when you is president!.. All you gotta say is you go down on me, I'll go down on taxes.."

LC:"Them people in Iraq are crazy.. They crazy.. They throw rocks.. AT TANKS. If you throw a Rock at a tank.. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT S***! Be like, 'Why did you do that?.. I'm angry.. GET YO STUPID ASS BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

LC: "Indonesia do sound like a black name.. INDONESIA IF YOU DON'T GET INSIDE THIS HOUSE! INDONESIA GET OUT OF THEM PEOPLE'S YARD! SRI LANKA GET YOUR SISTER INDONESIA AND GET IN HERE"
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:12 AM    (permalink
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"*****, what the **** is juice?! I want some grape drink!!"

"I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death!"
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:16 AM    (permalink
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Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.
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Keyshawn because i just hate T.O. he is a cocky son of a biscuit
But an athletic marvel for a second generation confectionary product
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:33 AM    (permalink
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Quote:
Originally Posted by litlharsh View Post
Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.
"I want some apple drink! IT'S GREEN!!!!"
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The whole world loves neophyte athletic tight end Jimmy Graham from Miami with the 95th pick. "Best pick in the draft,'' one AFC coach told me. "Give him time, and in that offense, he'll be better than [Jeremy] Shockey by the start of next year.''

We know that no matter the adversity, be it the lockout, be it the suspension or be it a hurricane, our men will pull together and defend the honor of this city. Weve shown weve been able to do that. - Jabari Greer
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:06 AM    (permalink
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whats all this chocolate on your face?


chocolate??? its doo doo baby!
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Old 08-14-2007, 05:03 AM    (permalink
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I don't appreciate the stereotype of how because im fat I eat everything...during the normal course of a day I eat like a normal human...unless im high or go to a buffet...high...but come on thats like taking a kid to Disney World and expecting him to only ride a few rides. I have to get it all, and at those places I want my moneys worth and though I can eat like two peoples moneys worth...its all you can eat if you don't listen to that sign you might as well disregard Stop signs and speed limits all together....signs are the boss....
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Old 08-14-2007, 07:09 AM    (permalink
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Originally Posted by themaninblack View Post
lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.
I think it is him that said

"I realize I use the word '****' a lot, and I'd apologize for that, but I just don't give a ****."
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