Favorite Comedian Quotes

TimD · 08-13-2007, 05:50 PM

I know we have a favorite stand-up comedian thread... now here's one for quotes...

TimD · 08-13-2007, 05:56 PM

Mitch Hedberg

here's a few:

Quote:

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

Quote:

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

Quote:

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

RoyHall#1 · 08-13-2007, 06:03 PM

Haha the third one is classic. RIP Mitch. "I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it"

And then he had another one where he had to write a screenplay for a TV show or something, and the guy told him to rewrite it. And he was like: "**** that, I'll just make a copy." haha

saintsfan912 · 08-13-2007, 06:03 PM

Dude I love Mitch Hedburg. Too bad he died.

I'm gonna open a McDonald's and not participate in ****. Hamburgers, nope. We got spaghetti and blankets.

I think thats how it went.

SubNoize · 08-13-2007, 06:05 PM

we should just make a mitch hedburg appreciation thread and put a ton of his quotes in because i like reading them...

McBain · 08-13-2007, 06:46 PM

Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

gbpackers0065 · 08-13-2007, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McBain

Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

lol, good for you

badgerbacker · 08-13-2007, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McBain

Mitch Hedberg rules and one time i was talking to this girl and i picked up on her using that line about tennis (she was a tennis player) She was hot, we made out, i touched her titties. Mitch Hedberg rules.

I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?

gbpackers0065 · 08-13-2007, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgerbacker

I'm a Mitch fan, but I can't think of any tennis lines. What was it?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, that thing was ****** relentless.
-Mitch

TimD · 08-13-2007, 07:05 PM

off the top of my head

"tennis is a depressing sport... no matter how good i get ill never be as good as a wall..."

EDIT: oops someone beat me to it

gbpackers0065 · 08-13-2007, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mangini for pres

EDIT: oops someone beat me to it

Damn Straight

wiscbadgerfootball · 08-13-2007, 07:23 PM

we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

ripdw27 · 08-13-2007, 09:50 PM

i dont have any favorite exact quotes.. but i like in ralphie mays "open water" segment in girth of a nation lmao that was good.. n dave chappelles got some good stuff in killing them softly n the standup he does in san francisco

Twiddler · 08-13-2007, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiscbadgerfootball

we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

Really? I heard that skit and didn't really think much of it. I mean, it was amusing and I liked some of his other stuff but I guess I just don't "get" some of his humor. Back to the subject one of my favorite quotes is Demetri Martin's...

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. "

KCJ58 · 08-13-2007, 09:53 PM

i liked that show on Comedy Central called: Shortys Watching Shortys

some of the Dane Cook ones were funny

themaninblack · 08-13-2007, 11:03 PM

lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.

kalbears13 · 08-14-2007, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiscbadgerfootball

we're talking about stand-up only so I haven't seen that many but.. pretty much anything from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket skit

When he talks about holidays...that's the second best.

Ewing · 08-14-2007, 12:45 AM

"I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust." - Bill Hicks

YAYareaRB · 08-14-2007, 01:02 AM

Lavelle Crawford..

Taliban:"Read this to your country fat black man!"
LC:"I can't read.. I'm hooked on phonics you sunuvabish!"
Taliban:"We're gonna cut your head off!"
LC:"Man I don't have no neck!.. Only thing you could with that blade is give me a nice little tight fade".

LC: "We got mad at Clinton for getting a blowjob.. SO! That's what you're supposed to do when you is president!.. All you gotta say is you go down on me, I'll go down on taxes.."

LC:"Them people in Iraq are crazy.. They crazy.. They throw rocks.. AT TANKS. If you throw a Rock at a tank.. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT S***! Be like, 'Why did you do that?.. I'm angry.. GET YO STUPID ASS BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

LC: "Indonesia do sound like a black name.. INDONESIA IF YOU DON'T GET INSIDE THIS HOUSE! INDONESIA GET OUT OF THEM PEOPLE'S YARD! SRI LANKA GET YOUR SISTER INDONESIA AND GET IN HERE"

Flyboy · 08-14-2007, 01:12 AM

"*****, what the **** is juice?! I want some grape drink!!"

"I don't want to dance, I'm scared to death!"

litlharsh · 08-14-2007, 01:16 AM

Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.

Flyboy · 08-14-2007, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by litlharsh

Three ingredients in grape drink: sugar, water, and purple.

"I want some apple drink! IT'S GREEN!!!!"

tEk · 08-14-2007, 04:06 AM

whats all this chocolate on your face?

chocolate??? its doo doo baby!

trkaline · 08-14-2007, 05:03 AM

I don't appreciate the stereotype of how because im fat I eat everything...during the normal course of a day I eat like a normal human...unless im high or go to a buffet...high...but come on thats like taking a kid to Disney World and expecting him to only ride a few rides. I have to get it all, and at those places I want my moneys worth and though I can eat like two peoples moneys worth...its all you can eat if you don't listen to that sign you might as well disregard Stop signs and speed limits all together....signs are the boss....

swordman · 08-14-2007, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by themaninblack

lewis black has some great ones but i cant think of them right now.

I think it is him that said

"I realize I use the word '****' a lot, and I'd apologize for that, but I just don't give a ****."