Relationship Advice Thread

[VoteLynnSwan]

Originally Posted by killxswitch

VLS you are in grad school so that is a start. However your ideas seem kind of passive since you would be going to a place where people aren't there specifically to interact. At a bookstore or library women will be looking for books or studying, at a coffee shop they'll be reading, talking/texting/surfing on their phones, talking to friends, etc.

Try for more interactive situations. Volunteer at an animal shelter or beautification project, ask some people in your classes (including good-looking females, but not just them since that would be too obvious) to form a study group, join some sort of weekend fitness class or frisbee golf team, something where you can meet new women in settings where personal interaction is expected, but is different than going to a bar where everyone is hitting on each other and looking for a one night stand. If you are religious then church would be another idea.

I never did online dating but you could always try that as well if you have a hard time meeting new people cold.

I should throw this out there... I have dated before, and I have been in serious relationships before... I know what you mean regarding coffee shops and libraries and such not being social environments, but the point is simply to put me in a position around the type of girl I'm looking for, because location is half the battle.

Animal shelter would be great, but I really can't afford to volunteer my time. I need to get paid because I'm running low on funds as it is. A job would obviously be a potentially good opportunity...

Regarding the classes... I'm a mechanical engineering major. As you can imagine, there's no girls in any of my classes, attractive or otherwise.

Originally Posted by bsaza

I agree wholeheartedly with what killxswitch wrote here. Shared interests and repeated interactions are a good way to build rapport with someone. If you're doing something you're passionate about, it will show, and it will make you very attractive to the people who understand and appreciate how you use your time.

In terms of online dating, it can work, but it's an absolute numbers game. I used the internet to supplement my going out. Prior to meeting my current gf (who I met online), I went out with close to 50 women. I probably asked out or contacted 200. Of my 50 first dates/hookups, I got second dates maybe 20% of the time. It cost me many hours, thousands of dollars, and a lot of frustration. I learned a lot about what I'm looking for and not looking for, and I eventually met a great girl. It is just an absolute grind.

One thing that I really enjoyed was Speed Dating. You are forced to interact with 10-15 women in one night. You get 4-6 minutes to make an impression. After the event, you mark down who you want to see again and don't, then you get a list electronically. It is a good way to meet a lot of girls all at once and to practice cold convos.

I think most of my problem is that I know exactly what I'm looking for. I have extremely specific tastes in woman, mostly concerning personality that is.

I've tried online dating, and I understand completely that it's a numbers game. The issue is that I have had so much trouble finding enough people I'd even be interested in contacting.

I could never do speed dating, granted the practice would be fantastic for me, but I just wouldn't be able to do it.

It's simply a matter of putting myself in social situations on a regular basis. I have been meaning to look up information about clubs and such I would be interested in, haven't gotten around to it yet though.

[nepg]

Grab a bike and go to Critical Mass. There's usually a strong showing of the type of girl you described. It's like a more social coffee shop on wheels.

[bsaza2358]

Originally Posted by VoteLynnSwan

I think most of my problem is that I know exactly what I'm looking for. I have extremely specific tastes in woman, mostly concerning personality that is.

This stood out to me as a bit concerning, to be honest. You have this highly specific "type" of personality that you're looking for. If by personality, you actually mean personality, I encourage you to broaden your horizons. You are not with your ex gf's because it didn't work out. Part of the reason it didn't work out is because the personalities didn't work well, or it wasn't a healthy situation. I used to go for a specific "type", but them I realized that if you don't try to get to know the person, you'll never know. I wasn't sure if I was into my current gf when I first met her. As we became more comfortable, we realized that we were what we were looking for. She ended up being what I wanted because I gave her a chance.

[KobeBryant833]

Any suggestions on cutting emotional ties with a girl? I dated her for a year, she cheated on me we got back together before I left for school and I'm not feeling the same connection with her anymore. Were still dating, but I don't like it. Any help?

Also we are 6 hours away

[Brent]

Originally Posted by KobeBryant833

Any help?

treat it as if she does not exist:
-remove her number from your phone
-delete her from social networks
-destroy any thing which reminds you of her; if something in your place belongs to her, box it up and send it to her or throw it away
-if you knew anyone through her, do the same with them.
-if there is a chance you will run into her because of some mutual friend (if you are serious), cease communicating with them
-start focusing on yourself: working out, having fun, whatever.

those are all things I did a few years back when I ended a 2 year relationship

[nepg]

Ya, I just got through the rough part of a 2yr relationship ending. Finally got some sanity back after 2-3 months of feeling completely insane. I'd have anxiety attacks just from thinking about the relationship. I'm pretty much 100% now and can date other people seriously now. Still not quite to the point where I'd wish her happiness if we ran into each other...I'm still at the point where I hope she's miserable for the rest of her life. I'll move on from that eventually, I assume.

You have to cut her out, take care of yourself (I lost 20 pounds - 10 of it was from not eating, then I started working out and eating right), and then it just takes time.

[MetSox17]

I'm thankful that my breakup from my serious relationship was very friendly and amicable. I think i woulda killed the ***** if she had cheated on me.

[KobeBryant833]

Originally Posted by Brent

treat it as if she does not exist:
-remove her number from your phone
-delete her from social networks
-destroy any thing which reminds you of her; if something in your place belongs to her, box it up and send it to her or throw it away
-if you knew anyone through her, do the same with them.
-if there is a chance you will run into her because of some mutual friend (if you are serious), cease communicating with them
-start focusing on yourself: working out, having fun, whatever.

those are all things I did a few years back when I ended a 2 year relationship

Alright, well i just need to break it off. I have another problem i have no confidence in talking to girls. I like to say im good looking do well in school play football at a D1 school, but lack all the confidence in the world.

[SickwithIt1010]

Originally Posted by KobeBryant833

Alright, well i just need to break it off. I have another problem i have no confidence in talking to girls. I like to say im good looking do well in school play football at a D1 school, but lack all the confidence in the world.

im in the same boat man, havent been the same since i broke off the best relationship i ever had. I havent had any type of relationship with a girl since my senior year of high school. I feel like im a decent lookin dude, good baseball player, very confident when it comes to athletics....just not so much with girls.

[nepg]

Mostly all it takes is a greeting. I'm terrible with confidence, too. My problem is initiating conversation. Really only takes a greeting (i.e. "Hi, what's your name?" it's really that simple) and noting something unique about the girl (there's always something that the girl takes great pride in that probably isn't noted by most guys - e.g. the other day I complimented a girl's shoes with great success) to get things going. I'm pretty good once I get the conversation going, though.

[KobeBryant833]

I have no problem when i'm drunk, but that only leads to a one night deal nothing special.

[Rob S]

If your a DI football player and your not smashing at least 1 hot girl a week, you got no game.

[VoteLynnSwan]

Originally Posted by bsaza2358

This stood out to me as a bit concerning, to be honest. You have this highly specific "type" of personality that you're looking for. If by personality, you actually mean personality, I encourage you to broaden your horizons. You are not with your ex gf's because it didn't work out. Part of the reason it didn't work out is because the personalities didn't work well, or it wasn't a healthy situation. I used to go for a specific "type", but them I realized that if you don't try to get to know the person, you'll never know. I wasn't sure if I was into my current gf when I first met her. As we became more comfortable, we realized that we were what we were looking for. She ended up being what I wanted because I gave her a chance.

(I swear I posted this already...)
I should have clarified... I only developed this specific type after going through a really horrible breakup with my last girlfriend. I realized that the reason that we broke up (even though she broke up with me) was because she was not the person that I wanted her to be. Admittedly the language there sounds horrible, but essentially what I mean is that she did not possess the qualities which I value most, and therefore I could never really be happy in that situation.

So essentially what I'm referring to when I say "type" is a person with those qualities which I value... wit, intellect, humor, etc... I want her to be able to teach me about something.

[aLARGEtopHat]

If you have over 10,000 posts and you're* not smashing aq once a week, you have got no game.

I can't believe I wasted my 100th post on this sad excuse for a discussion. IF you have no confidence, then drink and say stupid things e.g. what is your favorite ninja turtle. If that doesn't work for you the start small, eye contant or say hi to every girl that exist. Talk about the weather and school if you have to. Find some woman that can keep you entertained for awhile so you can talk to others without worrying about the lame thing called hooking up... Baby steps my friends.

[Rob S]

Originally Posted by Brent

I am about to pull this one out with a girl I've had a thing for. Likely, I'll just say exactly how I feel, something along the lines of, "I really like hanging out with you and I find you very attractive, you're funny, you've got great taste and [joking]you don't seem repulsed by my appearance[/joking]. I am telling you this because I want my intentions to be clear, but if you aren't interested, let me know so we're not leading one another on."

I am doing this same thing shortly. It's not a question of if I do it, but the timing. I'm going to do it face to face most likely at dinner or lunch, but should I wait till the end of the night or just come out swinging and make for a potentially uncomfortable meal?

[VUBlacknGold]

Originally Posted by Rob S

I am doing this same thing shortly. It's not a question of if I do it, but the timing. I'm going to do it face to face most likely at dinner or lunch, but should I wait till the end of the night or just come out swinging and make for a potentially uncomfortable meal?

why do the meal? Is it suppose to be less hurtful? if she loves you, it doesnt matter how you do it, she'll hate you. Im sorry but if you feel its over, do it as soon as possible, let her get over you. If she just goes on then dang, she be messed up but its gonna be bad most likely. My best advice is this...... dont eat, dont be overly nice, dont hint it, just do it

[Rob S]

Originally Posted by VUBlacknGold

why do the meal? Is it suppose to be less hurtful? if she loves you, it doesnt matter how you do it, she'll hate you. Im sorry but if you feel its over, do it as soon as possible, let her get over you. If she just goes on then dang, she be messed up but its gonna be bad most likely. My best advice is this...... dont eat, dont be overly nice, dont hint it, just do it

huh, I'm not breaking up. Se Brent's post I quoted. Unless it was the wrong one it was more about telling a girl you are interested in her. And I am getting a meal because we are casual friends and thats probably the best way to drop the hint that I am interested pre-date. It could be drinks too, dinner or drinks.

[descendency]

Originally Posted by KobeBryant833

Any suggestions on cutting emotional ties with a girl? I dated her for a year, she cheated on me we got back together before I left for school and I'm not feeling the same connection with her anymore. Were still dating, but I don't like it. Any help?

Also we are 6 hours away

Bang 3 of her closest friends.

[VUBlacknGold]

Originally Posted by Rob S

huh, I'm not breaking up. Se Brent's post I quoted. Unless it was the wrong one it was more about telling a girl you are interested in her. And I am getting a meal because we are casual friends and thats probably the best way to drop the hint that I am interested pre-date. It could be drinks too, dinner or drinks.

Oh, my bad, i shouldve looked closer i guess. Well, i wonder how that'll turn out

[BuckeyeDan17]

Bsaza, I hope you didn't take what I said as an insult. I was just saying it seems like a load sometimes. But I agree, I don't know if I'm going to meet my spouse in college. But college has made me a lot more promiscuous that's all. I'm still in talks with my ex and I'm in a large state of confusion right now. Random thought of the day. Sorry.

[brat316]

Originally Posted by KobeBryant833

Alright, well i just need to break it off. I have another problem i have no confidence in talking to girls. I like to say im good looking do well in school play football at a D1 school, but lack all the confidence in the world.

where do you play? Whats your name?

[KobeBryant833]

Originally Posted by bhaarat316

where do you play? Whats your name?

36 university of idaho.

I look like a goob in my picture

[bsaza2358]

Originally Posted by BuckeyeDan17

Bsaza, I hope you didn't take what I said as an insult. I was just saying it seems like a load sometimes. But I agree, I don't know if I'm going to meet my spouse in college. But college has made me a lot more promiscuous that's all. I'm still in talks with my ex and I'm in a large state of confusion right now. Random thought of the day. Sorry.

I don't take anything personally on these forums. Takes way too much effort to be upset about something people posted. I'm just trying to help people out and be a little tough/call them on their crap...

I didn't date at all in college, and I discovered a lot about myself in terms of meeting and talking to girls after I graduated. My relative inexperience made things difficult, but college dating isn't the same as real world dating. Whatever.

If you are in a state of confusion over your ex, it is time for you to clear things up. If she is still in the picture, that is not a healthy situation for you. You are holding onto something that isn't there for whatever reason. You need to get past it and be able to recognize when you are going "over the edge" and just get clear. Your baggage is never going away. You just have to be able to understand why you do what you do and when it happens, just be okay with it. It takes a lot of self discovery to get to this point.

Personally, I recommend getting rid of the ex completely, but you are going to have to make that happen on your own. Until you take that step and mean it and back it up with deeds, you will never have a healthy relationship with another woman.

[bsaza2358]

Originally Posted by VoteLynnSwan

(I swear I posted this already...)
I should have clarified... I only developed this specific type after going through a really horrible breakup with my last girlfriend. I realized that the reason that we broke up (even though she broke up with me) was because she was not the person that I wanted her to be. Admittedly the language there sounds horrible, but essentially what I mean is that she did not possess the qualities which I value most, and therefore I could never really be happy in that situation.

So essentially what I'm referring to when I say "type" is a person with those qualities which I value... wit, intellect, humor, etc... I want her to be able to teach me about something.

I think you are using this "type" excuse as a protection mechanism. If you're not in another relationship, you can't get hurt again. If you look for something so specific, you'll never find anyone who measures up. So, you're alone and unhappy, which is easier than being hurt again. You have to really talk to someone about your breakup and really get free and clear of what happened. You need to understand your role in the past relationship and why it failed. It was both of you that were "dysfunctional" in the past, and you need to understand why you do what you do. Breakups happen, but you should be learning from the experience and come out with a better understanding of what you need and want.

After that, you should evaluate what you are really looking for. I'm talking pretty general things. What traits do you value? What expectations do you have? Is someone with your idea of wit intellect and humor really a necessity? Why do you need the girl to teach you something? Is it because you want her to be a subject matter expert or is it because you have a fixation on something that happened in a past relationship? There are lots of loose ends here. I sense that you are not clear of your ex, but you want to be. That involves really getting clear of the past and focusing on being present.

[BuckeyeDan17]

I mean she wants me back too so it's not like I'm trying to get a grip with nothing to hold here. The feelings are there for each other, but she's going through some serious **** right now and as a human being I want to support her through it regardless of any relationship woes.

She needs help, I'm not going to abandon her at a time like this, when she gets through it - maybe.

But either way, it wasn't supposed to be taken personally, I was just trying to inform you of my intentions, regardless if you give a **** or not. I appreciate your input quite a bit, man.