The Simpsons Quotes Thread

[senormysterioso]

It seems to me that there is a Simpsons quote for every possible situation that life may hold in store. Put your favorite Simpsons quotes in this thread.



Ralph: Hi Lisa, I brought your homework! We have to read this!
Lisa: The Wind In The Willows...?
Ralph: It's about a toad and badger and a mole... I drawed on mine... is this my house?
Lisa: No, you live in a different house.......
Ralph: Choo choo choo choo woo woo!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*

Burns: Look at them. Smug and secure in their finery. Mocking us.
Homer: Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for a moment of weakness and then BAFF comes the knock in the head and we're down!
Homer: What do we do?
Burns: Oh...wouldn't you like to know.

Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk."

SCORPIO: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?
HOMER: France.
SCORPIO: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy.

DO RE ME, by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with "Max Power"!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the "G"s!

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

HOMER(while watching tv): Hey boy, where you going?
BART(walking through with camping backpack): The father-son rafting trip
HOMER: PFFFT! You don't have a son. (continues watching tv)

[Razor]

Great idea!

Originally Posted by Homer Simpson

Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Originally Posted by Homer Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Originally Posted by Homer Simpson

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Originally Posted by Homer Simpson

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

[bigbluedefense]

I love this thread. I used to look up Simpsons quotes when I was bored just for a good laugh.

Classic quotes.

[draftexcluder]

"Hello... My name is Homer Incognito..."

[senormysterioso]

Originally Posted by draftexcluder

"Hello... My name is Homer Incognito..."

I believe that was "Guy Incognito", tsk tsk.

[RufusMcDaniel]

"Moe: You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin."

[CJSchneider]

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course, and I forgot how to drive?

[Damix]

I still think I have a 5 minute clip of Ralph Wiggum quotes on my iPhone.

[the_legend_killer]

"Me fail english? That's unpossible!" - Ralph Wiggum

[HeavyLeggedWaistBender]

Go to bread.

[bsaza2358]

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

[E-Man]

I love this one with Kent:


One of my favorites from Homer:


And of course, my life's philosophy:

[slightlyaraiderfan]

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Teller: Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name.
Homer: I don't know.

[senormysterioso]

Gun Shop Guy: Woah! Careful there Annie Oakley
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Well You'll Probably Want the accessory kit; holster?
Homer: yup
Gun Shop Guy: bandolier?
Homer: oh baby...
Gun Shop Guy: silencer?
Homer : yup
Gun Shop Guy: loudener?
Homer: uhuhuh
Gun Shop Guy: automatic cocker?
Homer: ooh, I like the sound of that
Gun Shop Guy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters
Homer: I don't need anything like that...yet. Just give me my gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period, we have to run a background check.
Homer: Aww...five days but I'm mad now, I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Gun Shop Guy: Yah, well you don't.

[soybean]

Burns: Get off my property.
Homer: Or else what? You're going to release the dogs? or the bees? or the dogs with bees in the their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?!

Moe: Alright, I don't like you and you don't like me.
Lisa: You don't like me? I like you...
Moe: You do? then i like you too!

Homer: Oh yeah... I know something his money CAN'T buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: ... a DINOSAUR!

[fischbowl]

Everything is coming up.....

[iowatreat54]

I wish I could post youtube clips at work.

Basically anything by Ralph.

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
"The doctor said I wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there."

And the best song of all time that someone needs to post a clip for:

"Max Power, that's the man who's name you'd love to touch,
but you musn't touch!
That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,
you musn't fear.
'Cause that name could be said by anyone!"

[MetSox17]

Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

[soybean]

"Now now now, just because Bart is my son doesn't mean he'll get any special treatment.... He'll be calling me coach just like everyone else... as our NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK!!!" - Homer

Bart: These clothes just plain suck!"
Marge: Bart, where did you learn that language!
[pans over to homer on the phone]
Homer: Yeah Moe, that team last night sure did suck. I've seen teams suck before but mannnnn... those were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: sorry Moe, gotta go my weiner kids are listening.

[Paul]

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely

Everytime I see that episode I still laugh.

[E-Man]

Originally Posted by senormysterioso

Gun Shop Guy: Woah! Careful there Annie Oakley
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Well You'll Probably Want the accessory kit; holster?
Homer: yup
Gun Shop Guy: bandolier?
Homer: oh baby...
Gun Shop Guy: silencer?
Homer : yup
Gun Shop Guy: loudener?
Homer: uhuhuh
Gun Shop Guy: automatic cocker?
Homer: ooh, I like the sound of that
Gun Shop Guy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters
Homer: I don't need anything like that...yet. Just give me my gun!
Gun Shop Guy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period, we have to run a background check.
Homer: Aww...five days but I'm mad now, I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Gun Shop Guy: Yah, well you don't.

I forgot about this one. Great find!

[senormysterioso]

Lisa: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?
Marge: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.
Homer: (opens basement door) Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

(At the children's nuclear power plant contest)
Mr. Burns: (to Homer) Could you explain your model, young man?
Grimes: (from audience) What's to explain? He's an idiot!
Lenny: Pipe down!
Homer: Well basically, I just copied the plant we have now.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm.
Homer: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
Mr. Burns: Agreed. First prize. (gives Homer a blue ribbon)
Grimes: What?!
Carl: Way to go, Homer!
Lenny: You're number one, Homer!
Grimes: But it, it was a contest for children!!
Lenny: Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!

[senormysterioso]

Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

[iowatreat54]

Grandpa: "Now, my story begins in nineteen dickity two. We had to say 'dickity,' because the Kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty'. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles."

I still say dickity randomly.

Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out earning that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo Hoo! Four-day weekend!

[djp]

I could go on for days on this thread. I'll just go from a few episodes.

Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
[disbelieving]
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!

Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

My favorite clip from my favorite Simpsons episode.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls]
Moe: Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh Jass: What a nice young man.

Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...
Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the Metric system down?

We do, We do.

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, We do.

Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, We do.

Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do, We do!